Journal #27

January 31st, 2016

Mom and I watched the movie last night, and it was really good! I’m on quite the Leonardo DiCaprio roll, with The Revenant, Shutter Island, and Catch Me if You Can all within eight days! Afterwards, I slept in Mom’s bed with her and the puppies for the night, and surprisingly slept really well. Mom did not, unfortunately… I can’t remember the last time I slept in bed with her, probably over a year ago. I used to do that so often. This morning we woke up with Sunday Morning on the T.V., and then I got ready and made a smoothie with Coconut Milk…that ended up being bad! Like, sour, rotten bad. It was disgusting. Probably the most awful taste I’ve ever had in my mouth (and it lingered). I recovered, though, and re-made the smoothie with regular milk that was good, and drank it all-so that was a success. Mom, however, skipped breakfast, which was pretty triggering for me, and has unfortunately carried over to lunch, though I’m doing my best to remind myself that this food is what MY body needs, and that’s all I should focus on. Church was really good, and Brad came to the same service, which was awesome. Mama and I are going to his rec basketball game at 4, and he’s going to spend the night here since Dad and Courtney are out of town, so I’m really excited for that. Alllllrighty…time to stir the soup on the stove so that I can have some lunch.

-Bridge

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Journal #26

January 30th, 2016

Today’s been a really good day, considering how crappy I feel. I woke up an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off, thanks to night sweats (yay for weight restoration and hormones being turned back on). After completing my breakfast, I did a few chores, and took the doggies to the vet for a check-up. I am glad that, in being home, I was able to do that 🙂 Post-Vet, Mom came home from being out with a friend, and we ate lunch together. I played the piano for a while, and then Mom and I laid on the couch and read for a bit before I went to get my nails done with Cece. I was really worried that spending time with her could be triggering, if it resulted in talking about running for an hour, so Mom encouraged me to send her a text and ask if we could not talk about that for the time being. I’m really glad I did, as the running convo was kept to a minimum, and we (at least I) had a nice time. Afterwards, I dropped her off at home and remembered that I’d had a drink at Starbucks on my meal plan for my afternoon snack, so I called Mom and she said she’d meet up with me while I had it. I was super thankful for that, as I definitely would’ve been tempted to skip it or restrict half of it if she hadn’t been with me. I finished it though, and she and I went to Craft Warehouse where she bought me new markers for my coloring books, since mine are basically all dead, and then we went home and had burgers for dinner. My challenge meal of the weekend. It was really difficult, but did taste good. I’m having preeetttyyyy intense E.D. thoughts now though, so mom and I are going to watch “Catch Me if You Can”, which I’m hoping will be a good distraction!

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Journal #25

January 29th, 2016

Imagine someone told you that you could add another 40 years onto your life, if you changed one thing about the way you were living. Obviously, everyone that loves and cares for you would want you to follow that advice, right? Well, that one thing you have to give up, is electricity. Not so easy to adhere to the recommendation anymore is it? Hearing my mom tell me that analogy last night was the first time I felt like the gravity of what I’m being asked to do was understood. I guess one of the therapists from my residential treatment center had given my mom the metaphor, as she was explaining to her how difficult this process was about to become. I’d say it’s pretty dang spot on. This whole recovery process, it’s not just “Hard.” Hard, is training for a marathon. Hard, is taking 17 credits while working 14 hours a week and taking on a full time volunteer position. This, on the other hand, is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s really, really freaking difficult. But, it is possible. I KNOW that it’s possible. Because the Bible says, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” And he is walking with me through this.

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Journal #24

January 28th, 2016

In case it hasn’t been made clear by my past two entries, today has probably been the hardest day thus far. We had a twenty minute break in between groups, and I put my headphones in, turned some worship music on, stuck the giant stuffed dog, “Lucky” in between the desk and myself, laid my head on top of it, and just cried myself to sleep. I actually did fall asleep for a few minutes, which was great, but unfortunately I woke up when the alarm on my phone went off and was still in treatment. I’m just so sad. Sad that mom can’t trust me, because I’ve broken her trust with eating disorder behaviors so many times, sad that I’m here, sad about everything I’m missing out on. And most of all, sad that I’m still having such a hard time with it. I genuinely feel like I am losing a large portion of myself. It feels similar to when I had to quit swimming because of my shoulder. It was my one outlet, the one thing I was good at, and the one thing that wiped all of my other cares and worries to the side when I was focused on it. Mom compared it to an abusive relationship, and I think that’s spot on. I know it’s not good for me, and I WANT to not want it…but I still want it. I just feel like a train running out of steam. I need a rest stop somewhere soon.

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Journal #23

January 28th, 2016

I feel pretty awful at the moment. Annoyed, depressed grouchy, fed up, uncomfortable, self-conscious, frustrated, apathetic, and really like I want to go crawl in my bed and cry myself to sleep. My anxiety’s been coming in waves, but I feel like instead of addressing it, my coping skills have just been suppressing it…and now I’m experiencing the tidal wave. All I want in the whole world right now if to go for a long, hard run, and run until my legs collapse and I can’t run anymore. My lunch was the biggest I’ve had yet, and a major challenge, but I managed to finish it despite the fact I was holding back tears. I was absolutely stuffed about halfway through. Then, once we got back from the hospital, a few very triggering comments were made, which, of course, didn’t help matters at all. Ugh. I HATE THIS!!!

Jesus, Help me.

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Journal #22

January 28th, 2016

If I could put how uncomfortable I feel right now into words, I would. Instead, I’ll just go with my trusty number system-I’d say about a 12 out of 10, with 1 being “Not feeling uncomfortable at all” and 10 being “I feel a combination of wanting to cry, puke, yell, run, or punch something.” I’m really not sure how I got myself to eat my breakfast this morning, but I’m pretty much telling myself I don’t have another option at this point. I put on jeans for the first time in about a week…NOT a fan of the way they’re feeling.

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Journal #21

January 27th, 2016

I ate 100 percent today. It’s about 4:45 pm and we’re doing our check-out for the day (woohoo for Wednesdays and getting to leave at 5!). I was anxious all morning, because Dr. Rock and Bryan and Diane had agreed, and told me, that if my weight wasn’t up enough by today, my exchanges were going to have to be increased. Again. I’m already at the highest number of exchanges in my group, which is really hard, so I was definitely not looking forward to that, but I’d prepared myself for the worst. Which, I’m glad I did, because sure enough, they got upped. My anxiety today has been lower than the past couple days though, which I’m really thankful for. I’m not sure why that is, but I think part of it is just allowing myself to trust the process and the doctor, and not trying to control everything myself. I don’t really feel that “calmness” that I felt a few hours ago at the moment, but at least I had a nice temporary moment of relief. I was yet again put on gatorade today, but I wasn’t expecting anything different. Maybe that’s what helped my anxiety-not expecting any improvements, even though I obviously ache for them. Gosh, I’m just so doggone tired of sitting. I would loooooovee to just go for a nice long walk tonight. A walk! Who would’ve thought I’d have such an incredibly yearning to go for a walk. Tonight, Mama and I are going to Nordstrom to return her glasses that I got her for Christmas, so that should be fun. I’m really just looking forward to getting out…I feel like I have cabin fever! Ok, time to pack up and go home now.

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Journal Post #20

January 26th, 2016

We just had a really good process group, per usual. Gosh, I’m so incredibly thankful for each of the girls in this room! I was able to identify what I think a large source of the anxiety I’m experiencing in this moment is. I feel like by eating, and not struggling through it, I’m losing a part of myself. Which I’m sure sounds ridiculous, because I’ve been in treatment for five weeks now, and obviously, I knew this was coming. No one enters eating disorder treatment with clinically diagnosed anorexia and unstable vitals, and expects they’re going to just be allowed to continue the disordered behavior, and not required to gain weight. But as the process is becoming more and more normal, and it’s getting easier and easier for me to eat without contemplating restricting, the guilt I feel is getting stronger. It’s almost like an out of body experience…the process of eating this consistently, and this much, and seeing my body change while STILL continuing to eat and not compensate with over-exercising, is that foreign to me. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like this version of myself. But, this is my healthy self. And I just keep having to repeat in my head, that the last time I went through treatment, four years ago, I felt this exact same way throughout the whooooooleee process. By the time I discharged, though, I felt great. I was happy with myself, happy with my life, and proud of what I had accomplished…and absolutely NO part of me wanted my E.D. back. So, just like last time, I have to trust that with time, and good nutrition, and lots and lots of therapy, I’ll come back to that place. I just wish it could come sooner rather than later!

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Journal Post #19

January 26th, 2016

Mom and Brad came to the Friends & Family support dinner last night, which was great 🙂 Then, Mom and I get home, and Brad shows up at the front door with a GIANT stuffed Golden Retriever! We’re talking Life-Sized!! It was one that I’d been eyeing with him earlier at the gift shop (and every day prior, as we walked through the hospital for lunch and dinner), and while he and I both commented on how cool it was, I didn’t hint at wanting to buy it or anything!! He totally surprised me…what a sweetheart! I named him “Lucky” and he came to treatment with me this morning. It frequently startled the therapists that came into our room and were not expecting to see a Life-Size Golden Retriever sitting there, so that was pretty entertaining! I was having the same thoughts and struggles this morning while getting ready and during breakfast, but am feeling a little more okay now. My vitals sucked again today, though, which was yet again, very frustrating. I’m trying to just accept it for what it is, and realize that I can only do what I can do-which is to eat 100% and not be active, and that the rest is out of my control. I reminded myself of that before lunch, and prayed that I would have peace, and I think that’s why my frustration is down to a more normal level now, which is really nice. My anxiety related to the weight I feel I’ve gained is still incredibly high, though, and more than anything, I’m just feeling incredibly uncomfortable with myself. Which isn’t a really fun way to feel. But I’m working on it.

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Journal Post #18

Well, I’m very frustrated at the moment. I only had to have two more days of good vitals and weight to get to move up to Activity Level B, and today I had neither. Even though I ate 100% this weekend, and didn’t engage in any E.D. behaviors. Ugh. Time to start from ground zero again. I was bradycardic, and orthostatic, so I had to have yet another Gatorade. On the bright side though, they finally got the lemon-lime flavor that I like back…so that was nice 🙂 I thought my vitals would be the only disappointment, though, because I was feeling CONFIDENT that my pants were tighter than usual…there was no way I hadn’t put on at least a pound over the weekend. But, of course, my hopes were shattered as soon as I set foot into Dr. Rock’s office. He was super funny and encouraging, per usual, but my weight is DOWN! How could that POSSIBLY be?!! I ate 100 percent! I haven’t exercised! I haven’t purged! Yet my body obviously needs more to repair the damage that I’ve caused it…which, is incredibly frustrating. After we talked more about it though, the conclusion was drawn that my running errands with mom on Saturday, and standing at the basketball game was probably “too much activity for me”. What another blow to the ‘ol ego. So now I’m essentially limited to sitting, lying down, and standing unless walking is necessary (like to and from the front door of a building…). And here I thought I was in great shape!On another note, body dysmorphia is such a fascinating thing. Dr. Rock and I were talking about it, because he was telling me that he’s learned that whatever I say I think, or feel like, has happened with my weight, ends up being opposite of the truth. So, then, of course, since I was feeing like I’d undoubtedly gained weight over the weekend-and I KNEW my pants were tighter, I said, “Don’t tell me it’s down…” And he kind of chuckled, and said, “Yeah, it is”. UGH!!! It’s so beyond frustrating to me, and like I was saying to him, it’s so annoying…because you can tell me a thousand times that I’m not overweight, but when I look in the mirror, I’m still going to see myself that way. And I want to like what I see. So even though you tell me that, and I believe you…it doesn’t make it any better, because I don’t see myself as viewing a distortion. I see my body the way I see it! And it’s so frustrating to be told that that’s not the way it is, when it seems so real to me! Gah.

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