January 21st, 2016
I woke up this morning with Ed in full force, trying to make me not continue the progress that I’ve been making. It’s really frustrating, because even though I’ve still had to work hard every day, the past two have been really good, especially yesterday. I had pretty good body image for the most part, and was able to finish meals without feeling overcome by a massive wave of guilt and anxiety. But this morning I literally felt like I’d put on five pounds overnight, looked awful, didn’t deserve to eat (certainly didn’t NEED to eat), and should just say, “Screw it” to this whole process. It’s crazy to me how quickly the eating disorder can manipulate my thoughts. Jenni said in “Life Without Ed” that you can stay in recovery on days when, even though you may AGREE with Ed, you choose to DISOBEY him anyway. It’s only when you agree with him AND obey him that you relapse, and I think that’s true. I’m proud to say that I did not do the latter, even though I certainly agree with him in this moment!