Journal Post #16

I’m overwhelmed with emotion in this moment. I’m back from Corvallis, where I just saw Maddie, one of my best friends, for the first time since I told her about my eating disorder, right before I got on a plane to go to Florida for treatment. I saw all my guy friends, who I haven’t seen since mid-December, and said goodbye to another one of my best friends, Lea, before she embarks on a four month long study abroad trip to South Africa. I can’t even identify half the things I’m feeling right now. It was great to be back in Corvo, but really hard, too. Lots of memories of E.D.-related things came flooding back everywhere I went, from just driving onto campus, to walking by Dutch, to seeing one of my co-workers from the gym in her workout attire, and even just being at the game. I was sad at times, when I was having so much fun, and realizing how much I’m missing out on. I was anxious at other times, thinking about what I’d eaten this morning and what I still had to eat the rest of the day, and feeling how tightly my pants were fitting. Then the anxiety would cause me to feel anger. Anger, at myself-because how could I possibly be having these E.D. thoughts while I was PRESENT at something that I’m sad about missing out on?! Something that my eating disorder took away from me. And then, of course, I was overwhelmed with joy when the Beavs won. That feeling, in itself, is enough to make me excited to go back.

Go Beavs!



One thought on “Journal Post #16

  1. Tamara Allison

    First and foremost let me say you are amazing. I have only met your mom and brother when I used to work at Terra Linda, but I remember you were a 5th grader then. I have 2 daughter’s of my own. My oldest has struggled with eating issues since 2nd grade. She has never gone as far as anorexia, but I know that things change and I worry about it constantly. She goes to St Mary’s Academy and the stress etc can be tough. Even when I went there (a million years ago:) eating disorders were very common. I am not your mother, but if I were I would be so proud of you for all you have accomplished so far. You would be an excellent source perhaps, someday for girls at SMA to hear from. Please keep up your inspiring blog. I adore your mom and brother and know that I would adore you as well. Perhaps someday we will meet…until then….


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