Journal Post #18

Well, I’m very frustrated at the moment. I only had to have two more days of good vitals and weight to get to move up to Activity Level B, and today I had neither. Even though I ate 100% this weekend, and didn’t engage in any E.D. behaviors. Ugh. Time to start from ground zero again. I was bradycardic, and orthostatic, so I had to have yet another Gatorade. On the bright side though, they finally got the lemon-lime flavor that I like back…so that was nice 🙂 I thought my vitals would be the only disappointment, though, because I was feeling CONFIDENT that my pants were tighter than usual…there was no way I hadn’t put on at least a pound over the weekend. But, of course, my hopes were shattered as soon as I set foot into Dr. Rock’s office. He was super funny and encouraging, per usual, but my weight is DOWN! How could that POSSIBLY be?!! I ate 100 percent! I haven’t exercised! I haven’t purged! Yet my body obviously needs more to repair the damage that I’ve caused it…which, is incredibly frustrating. After we talked more about it though, the conclusion was drawn that my running errands with mom on Saturday, and standing at the basketball game was probably “too much activity for me”. What another blow to the ‘ol ego. So now I’m essentially limited to sitting, lying down, and standing unless walking is necessary (like to and from the front door of a building…). And here I thought I was in great shape!On another note, body dysmorphia is such a fascinating thing. Dr. Rock and I were talking about it, because he was telling me that he’s learned that whatever I say I think, or feel like, has happened with my weight, ends up being opposite of the truth. So, then, of course, since I was feeing like I’d undoubtedly gained weight over the weekend-and I KNEW my pants were tighter, I said, “Don’t tell me it’s down…” And he kind of chuckled, and said, “Yeah, it is”. UGH!!! It’s so beyond frustrating to me, and like I was saying to him, it’s so annoying…because you can tell me a thousand times that I’m not overweight, but when I look in the mirror, I’m still going to see myself that way. And I want to like what I see. So even though you tell me that, and I believe you…it doesn’t make it any better, because I don’t see myself as viewing a distortion. I see my body the way I see it! And it’s so frustrating to be told that that’s not the way it is, when it seems so real to me! Gah.

-Bridge

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