January 26th, 2016
We just had a really good process group, per usual. Gosh, I’m so incredibly thankful for each of the girls in this room! I was able to identify what I think a large source of the anxiety I’m experiencing in this moment is. I feel like by eating, and not struggling through it, I’m losing a part of myself. Which I’m sure sounds ridiculous, because I’ve been in treatment for five weeks now, and obviously, I knew this was coming. No one enters eating disorder treatment with clinically diagnosed anorexia and unstable vitals, and expects they’re going to just be allowed to continue the disordered behavior, and not required to gain weight. But as the process is becoming more and more normal, and it’s getting easier and easier for me to eat without contemplating restricting, the guilt I feel is getting stronger. It’s almost like an out of body experience…the process of eating this consistently, and this much, and seeing my body change while STILL continuing to eat and not compensate with over-exercising, is that foreign to me. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like this version of myself. But, this is my healthy self. And I just keep having to repeat in my head, that the last time I went through treatment, four years ago, I felt this exact same way throughout the whooooooleee process. By the time I discharged, though, I felt great. I was happy with myself, happy with my life, and proud of what I had accomplished…and absolutely NO part of me wanted my E.D. back. So, just like last time, I have to trust that with time, and good nutrition, and lots and lots of therapy, I’ll come back to that place. I just wish it could come sooner rather than later!