January 28th, 2016
In case it hasn’t been made clear by my past two entries, today has probably been the hardest day thus far. We had a twenty minute break in between groups, and I put my headphones in, turned some worship music on, stuck the giant stuffed dog, “Lucky” in between the desk and myself, laid my head on top of it, and just cried myself to sleep. I actually did fall asleep for a few minutes, which was great, but unfortunately I woke up when the alarm on my phone went off and was still in treatment. I’m just so sad. Sad that mom can’t trust me, because I’ve broken her trust with eating disorder behaviors so many times, sad that I’m here, sad about everything I’m missing out on. And most of all, sad that I’m still having such a hard time with it. I genuinely feel like I am losing a large portion of myself. It feels similar to when I had to quit swimming because of my shoulder. It was my one outlet, the one thing I was good at, and the one thing that wiped all of my other cares and worries to the side when I was focused on it. Mom compared it to an abusive relationship, and I think that’s spot on. I know it’s not good for me, and I WANT to not want it…but I still want it. I just feel like a train running out of steam. I need a rest stop somewhere soon.