February 2nd, 2016
Good morning, Journal. I’ve got a lot on my mind lately. I’m super anxious to make decisions about what I’m going to do once I’m out of treatment-I think mainly because I’m feeling restless and wanting to be out and move on to more fun things! It kills me to see and hear about everything my friends are doing-Lea in Africa, Maddie being nominated “Sig Ep Sweetheart”, The Squad at all the Beav games… Even though I know that I’m nowhere near ready to be back doing those things, it pains me so much to know what I’m missing out on. Mom and I had a good talk last night about how, while it’s good to recognize everything I want to do once I’m recovered, and use it as motivation for the time being, there’s really nothing else I can do to make this process move any faster. I just need to be patient, which sucks. Mama and Brad came to the support dinner last night, which was awesome, since I had a challenging dinner. Afterwards, Brad and I went to Nordstrom for a little bit, which was really fun 🙂 Once we got home, Mom and I talked for a while (as mentioned earlier). I realized, once I said it out loud, how hurt, and confused I am about the lack of support I’ve received from some people who I thought were my “Core Group” in Corvallis. I don’t mean to say that in a way that sounds like I’m going through this process expecting a ton of support-I’m really not. It’s just hard, because this is such a lonely process…and it’s tough to have received more care and concern from my coworkers, whom I’ve only known for about six months, than those who I thought I had totally in my corner. It makes me question my friendships, which isn’t a particularly pleasant feeling!