February 5th, 2016
The amount of disgust I feel toward myself is unreal. I cannot remember I felt this kind of hatred toward my own body-at least not this intensely. I genuinely don’t know whether I’m about to break down into sobs or vomit. I had what may have been the largest dinner since I started treatment 6 weeks ago, which consisted of two cups of pasta. I can’t remember the last time I ate two cups of pasta. It’s been YEARS. And of course, that wasn’t all. I also had a hefty piece of halibut along with it, to complete my “exchange dense” dinner. Lucky me, my snack was huge as well! A full cup of yogurt, a whole cup of granola, and a cup of berries. My stomach looks like I just swallowed a basketball. I’m really not sure I can keep this up all weekend.
Jesus, please help me to see myself the way you see me. Help me to remember that this body is a gift, and made in your image-and that it can do many wonderful things for me when it is well nourished. Because that’s the last thing I’m thinking about when I look at myself right now.