Journal #38

February 7th, 2016

Yesterday was my hardest day thus far (gee, wonder how many times I’ve said that?). Friday night I hardly slept at all (hence the post at 1 am) due to feeling overwhelmingly full and disgusted with myself, and just so incredibly frustrated. I woke up on Saturday exhausted, angry, and unfortunately, still very full. My E.D. thoughts were wicked while getting ready, and I really had no tolerance for anything. I particularly was not looking forward to going to Corvallis for the beaver game, and the two eating challenges that inherently came along with it-Starbucks and Chipotle. I really just wanted to lay in bed and be depressed for the next 24 hours. Mom knew I was having an awful day, but we decided that it was better for me to go to the game and be sad in Corvallis, than to stay home and be depressed in bed. Plus, she reminded me that I was always glad after I went. The time came for us to go, and at 4 o’clock we stopped at the Keizer Station Starbucks for my afternoon snack, a grande iced vanilla latte. It was the first time I’d had a not “Skinny” drink in six years. It was really, really, really hard, and took me a little over an hour to drink, but I did it. I was quite surprised that it tasted as different from the skinny one as it did…I guess sugar free syrup’s not as good as I’d conditioned myself to believe it was! Eventually, we arrived in Corvo and parked and walked into Gill. We found Maddie and her mom and brother (I rather enjoyed getting to climb up a flight of stairs :P), and then Mads and I went into the student section and stood with the guys for tip-off. They were so sweet and all walked over (in a line, lol) and gave me big hugs. Unfortunately, I’m not yet medically cleared to stand for the whole game, so we went back to our seats at the first T.O. Maddie and I went back down to the student section at the half though, and to our surprise, three seats at the end of the media table (right in front of The Squad) were open! Thanks to some encouragement from the guys (and Caleb joining us), Mads and I sat courtside at the media table for the entire second half!!! The Beavs didn’t play very well offensively, but we did come away with the W against CU (just barely, though!). Afterwards, all five of us (Maddie, her mom, her younger brother, and mom and I) drove to eat dinner…at CHIPOTLE. Yeah-and I had RICE in my BOWL with CHICKEN and CHEESE…first time not just getting a salad with fajita veggies, no rice, no beans, no meat, no cheese, no dressing and salsa, in as long as I can remember. It was reaaaaaalllllllyyy difficult, especially because my body image was TANKED by that point. We had some enjoyable conversation though, and even ran into Eric (one of the guys in the squad) and his mom there! So that was fun 🙂 After we all finished (about 9 pm!), mama and I headed home, where I had to have two ensures (BLEH) before going to bed. This morning, mom and I didn’t go to church, but we laid in her bed and read our bibles aloud to each other, and are going to the Bowman’s for the super bowl this afternoon. First, though, I have a coffee date with Emma, which I’m looking forward to. Except for the fact that I have to eat first 😛



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