Journal #41

February 9th, 2016

I woke up a bit earlier than usual this morning, and allowed myself to indulge in reading The New York Times. It broke my heart to see an article depicting the heartbreak and agony going on in Venezuela right now, on the front page. The exact words of the article were “A country on the brink”, and it wasn’t talking about the brink of a positive change. The country is literally collapsing under itself, with an incredibly unequal distribution of wealth, power, and a corrupted government. With tears running down my face, I messaged my two friends from Venezuela, who I met in Colombia last year. These two young men have such FULL hearts for Jesus, and despite the fact that they’re risking their lives by doing so, risk everything they have each day by sharing the love of Jesus to the people of their country. My next emotion, after grief, was anger-at myself. How can I be so concerned with my own life, so obsessed over every morsel of food that’s going into my mouth, so obsessed with exercise, and so frustrated with my continually orthostatic heart, when so many are hurting so much worse? I get this feeling a lot-the feeling of frustration, anger, guilt, all revolving around the eating disorder. I’m working to reconcile it though, by reminding myself something that we talk about quite frequently in treatment, that an eating disorder is a mental illness. If I had a physical illness, like cancer, would I be angry at myself for being sick? No, of course I wouldn’t. I would still be sad, yes-but not angry. And similarly to how I hope I would handle a situation such as that, I can only do everything in MY power to get better. Right now, that means eating every meal, refraining from exercise, and going to treatment. Those things are MY medicine. And I pray, that with time, and patience, and a whole lot of effort, Jesus will heal me, and allow me to go serve in the country that I so desire to help.

Pray for Venezuela ❤



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