Journal #47

February 12th, 2016

It’s fascinating to me how much grief comes from giving up an eating disorder. Pam (the therapist who led our process group today) compared it to ending an abusive relationship. You miss it SO, so much, even though you’re aware it’s not healthy. It provides a sense of comfort, though-a sense of normalcy. I know how to live with an eating disorder. And though I may not like the way that life looks, I’m good at it, and I’m used to it. It really sucks (I’ve become a big fan of that “S” word lately). Also, it majorly sucks that I’m dealing with all of the negative consequences of recovery, such as weight gain, bloating, discomfort, night sweats, hormones being turned back on, oily skin, getting my period back, etc., before experiencing many of the positive ones! It would be nice if for every five pounds I gained, I were immediately granted more activity. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Just because my weight has restored to a healthy place, doesn’t mean my organs have all recovered from the damage that I’ve done to them. For instance, this afternoon, I got AMAZING news. The best I’ve gotten since this whole process began. I’m “Practically” (according to my therapist) at my goal weight!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOO!! HALLELUJAH!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!! So yes, while I’m INCREDIBLY excited and relieved by this news, I’m still waiting on my vitals to turn around (and yes, I had to have another Gatorade today) before I can even take my dogs for a fifteen minute walk. Still, though, I’m not complaining-some progress is better than no progress! I’m just thankful that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Also, I don’t want to make it sounds like I’m all giddy about the weight restoration thing, because I’m really not. My body image still sucks. What I am happy about, though, is that my clothes won’t get any tighter than this! So, I can begin to work on “settling in” to my body! Hopefully, my exchanges will get decreased on Monday, too, but we’ll see about that-because if my activity gets to increase, then they’ll probably want to keep me on the same caloric intake so that I maintain my weight. I don’t even care at this point, though, I just want to move!!!

Oh, AND I get my first “Taper” (day off from treatment) day on Wednesday!! Whoop whoop!




One thought on “Journal #47

  1. Hi honey. Mom here. You’re frustrated at all the “negative consequences” before you get the positive ones. But a few of those “negative” consequences are really affirming conditions of the positives you so much want. Weight gain is what your body wants and needs for it to behave like a woman. Oily skin, hormones, and your period contribute to your strength, the very characteristic of the Bridgette I know. Your name derives from the definition of strength and virtue.

    I hate to see you put the very thing you’re working so hard for in the same sentence as “negative.” I understand how you feel. Not completely of course. But I see your endless unfailing efforts, based on determination for wellness in spite of conflict within. I see your frustration that your obedience isn’t producing more, faster, doing this all while you grapple with loss of control and aspire for a satisfying future.

    Victory isn’t as satisfying when it comes without effort. The greater the effort, the sweeter the victory.

    Consider your weight gain, oily skin, night sweats, hormones, and your period as a football player considers his bruises, or a runner considers her bleeding feet or shin splints in a race.

    Remember Gal 6:9 (my memory verse!): Do not become weary of doing what is good. For at the proper time you will reap a harvest, IF YOU DO NOT GIVE UP.

    I know, that you know, most of what I’m saying. But I know that you forget what I’m saying in your moments of despair.

    I want you to wear the aspects of your recovery, not as obstacles, pitfalls, or negatives, but like badges, all the way to the finish line. When you get there, you’ll begin to understand why each of those things that you considered unnecessary or annoying, were part of God’s beautiful plan for the miracle of a body that he designed; they were necessary aspects of the race you’re running (no pun intended!). Like a football player or a runner, after a successful game or race, there’s pride in those bruises and bleeding toe nails. They were necessary, yet nothing compared to the victory.

    I love you, honey.


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