February 12th, 2016
It’s fascinating to me how much grief comes from giving up an eating disorder. Pam (the therapist who led our process group today) compared it to ending an abusive relationship. You miss it SO, so much, even though you’re aware it’s not healthy. It provides a sense of comfort, though-a sense of normalcy. I know how to live with an eating disorder. And though I may not like the way that life looks, I’m good at it, and I’m used to it. It really sucks (I’ve become a big fan of that “S” word lately). Also, it majorly sucks that I’m dealing with all of the negative consequences of recovery, such as weight gain, bloating, discomfort, night sweats, hormones being turned back on, oily skin, getting my period back, etc., before experiencing many of the positive ones! It would be nice if for every five pounds I gained, I were immediately granted more activity. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Just because my weight has restored to a healthy place, doesn’t mean my organs have all recovered from the damage that I’ve done to them. For instance, this afternoon, I got AMAZING news. The best I’ve gotten since this whole process began. I’m “Practically” (according to my therapist) at my goal weight!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOO!! HALLELUJAH!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!! So yes, while I’m INCREDIBLY excited and relieved by this news, I’m still waiting on my vitals to turn around (and yes, I had to have another Gatorade today) before I can even take my dogs for a fifteen minute walk. Still, though, I’m not complaining-some progress is better than no progress! I’m just thankful that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Also, I don’t want to make it sounds like I’m all giddy about the weight restoration thing, because I’m really not. My body image still sucks. What I am happy about, though, is that my clothes won’t get any tighter than this! So, I can begin to work on “settling in” to my body! Hopefully, my exchanges will get decreased on Monday, too, but we’ll see about that-because if my activity gets to increase, then they’ll probably want to keep me on the same caloric intake so that I maintain my weight. I don’t even care at this point, though, I just want to move!!!
Oh, AND I get my first “Taper” (day off from treatment) day on Wednesday!! Whoop whoop!