Journal #48

February 13th, 2016

I’ve had a quite eventful past 24 hours. Well, not really for “Normal People” standards, but based off my activity the past two months, it certainly has been. I was able to enjoy Brian Regan last night, for the most part, and this morning, though I was able to enjoy about thirty minutes immediately after I woke up of less-intense E.D. thoughts, they increased as the day went on. I tried to get out of it-I spent time in The Word and with Jesus, I read my book, I played with the dogs, did laundry, organized my room, played “Wicked” on the piano, but I just couldn’t shake the thoughts. And they were only getting stronger. By 11 o’clock, I was in a very low place. A scary low place-a place I haven’t been in a really long time. It scared me, and I knew I had to tell mom. We hugged, and I told her, but to be honest, I think she could already tell. My mom and I, we never use the “S” word. Instead, we say, “‘life not being worth it’ thoughts”. Verbalizing that type of thing is really hard…because I know there’s no denying that I felt that way once I’ve said it. It feels like a major step backwards to me, to admit that I’m thinking those things. I think saying it aloud takes some of it’s power away, though, so I always make sure I tell someone, whether it’s my mom or a therapist. I reassured her that I wouldn’t “do” anything, or act on the thoughts, because I know it would kill her (which we’ve talked about before). So, we acknowledged it, talked about it a little bit, and then we went on with our planned activities for the day, but added in a trip to the Tea Bar as well. When I’m in that space, all I want to do is isolate and hide in my room, with the lights out and covers over my head. What I really need to do, though, is get out and try the best I can to get my mind off things. So, that’s what we did. We went to the Tea Bar, then a musical (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee) that Mom had purchased tickets for a couple weeks ago, and then went downtown to look around a little bit, do some shopping for things we needed, and get dinner. I had another non-skinny drink from Starbucks on my meal plan, and was surprisingly able to drink it AND look at clothes downtown without having the usual influx of E.D./depressed/anxious thoughts, which was a HUGE blessing! I truly cannot remember the last time I was able to look at clothes (ESPECIALLY while having a snack) without coming close to having a panic attack, or feeling incredibly anxious or depressed. So that in itself was awesome, and I shared my feelings with mom. We were both VERY thankful for that. I’m still not in a place where I’m ready to try on clothes, but when I am, I know what stores I’ll be hitting up! Before we went back home, though, we had to get dinner……at Pizzicato. Unfortunately, as soon as we walked through those doors the E.D. thoughts were surrounding me at all angles, like a hurricane. It sucked, but it was ok. I got through it. I ate the pizza, and now Mama and I are at home for the evening. Another day in the books.



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