Journal #56

February 21st, 2016

Tonight was rough-really rough. Before I get too into that though, I want to acknowledge that I had a pretty good day up until about 6 pm. Last night was really hard, after coming back from an enjoyable afternoon with Kat downtown. I started to get lonely, and pretty depressed within the first 20 minutes of being home. I forced myself to eat dinner, but literally took my bites robotically and hardly even tasted it. I fell asleep on the couch after that-around 7:30. I didn’t even feel up to watching Gilmore Girls. I woke up around 9:15 and realized I needed to have my snack. Shoot. I had it and then mom came home and I went to bed, not in a very good place. The same thoughts from the previous weekend came back again. The next morning (this morning, as I’m writing this), I woke up in a better place. I took the puppies for a short walk and enjoyed the beautiful sky and listened to the birds singing. Mom came back from a walk with a friend and helped me with my breakfast, and then we went to Starbucks. It was supposed to just be Mom going, to meet Brad and Dad for a meeting, but I’d just had breakfast and wasn’t feeling so hot, so decided it would probably be better for me to tag along instead of staying home alone. I brought with me my new book, “Decoding Anorexia”, that had just arrived in the mail. It’s AWESOME. And it should be-it costs $69.99 new! The whole premise is about how anorexia nervosa is very biologically based, with over 86% of the determining factor for whether or not someone develops this disorder being tied to genetics. Yet, our society portrays E.D.s as a trap that one falls into, a result of our “Thin-Obsessed” society. If that’s true, though, then why did St. Catherine of Sienna, from the 14th century, “fall victim” to the disease during a time when “Bigger” was considered “Better”? This book, written by a scientist who’s a survivor of anorexia herself, works to promote what is TRUE about eating disorders, and demote the NUMEROUS myths about them, many of which put sufferers to shame. “It’s a choice”, “You’re just doing it to get attention”, “Why don’t you just eat?” and “I know what that’s like-I’ve been on some really intense diets before, and I hate my thighs”, along with many other statements, are far too common from those uninformed about E.D.s, and invalidate the suffering that those with the disorder are going through. Many of the chemical imbalances and malfunctions in parts of the brain are shared by someone who suffers from Schizophrenia, yet society doesn’t tell a person with that disease to “Just get over it” or claim that they’re “Just doing it to get attention”, do they? Anyway…so I read this book at Starbucks, and then Mom and I grocery shopped for dinner tonight-Spaghetti Carbonara. And yes, at this point, the anxiety for this meal was already around a 6. We finished with the list, and went home, where I had lunch, and then left to go get my nails done with Allison, which was very enjoyable. After that, I drove to the Kruse Way Starbucks and met my friend Morgan (from treatment) there. We both had our snack, and just kind of sat and talked for a little over an hour. I stopped at Washington Square on my way home to pick up some hand towels for our bathroom. Then, I went home and it was time for the dreaded Spaghetti Carbonara.

It. Was. AWFUL.

Taste-wise, yes, it tasted good, but it was physically, mentally and emotionally the most difficult task I’ve had to do in a LONG time to finish the two cups of that and the slice of bread I had to have along with it. My anxiety started increasing exponentially once I had only a few bites left, and by the time I finished, I was getting panicky. I tried to just sit for a few minutes, thinking the feeling would pass, but it didn’t. I could feel myself starting to snap. I told Mom I needed to go outside and was going to take a quick walk, but as soon as I got to the driveway I could feel a panic attack coming on. Blood rushed to my face, I started to sweat, and my hands and legs began uncontrollably trembling. So I ran.

I ran as fast as I could possibly run (in my Converse), and then when I got to the end of the street, I turned around and ran home, and walked back in the front door. I was probably only gone five minutes, but it was enough to rid me of the intense, panicky feeling. I came back in the house shaking and breathing heavily, which Bradley noticed immediately. I swear, he’s so in tune with me it’s ridiculous. He grabbed my hand and held on tight for a few minutes, and then once my breathing returned to a more normal state, let go. I sat down in a chair in the living room in the dark for about ten minutes, held Rocky, and prayed. After that, I walked back out into the kitchen, and proceeded with the evening with everyone else, as planned. Brad’s new girlfriend came over, and we played games and they had dessert. We’d bought a mini Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cup for me to have, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so I’m drinking an Ensure right now to try and get the rest of my exchanges in before I go to bed. I’m very thankful for my incredibly supportive family, and that we were able to enjoy all playing Settlers of Catan together, talking and laughing.

Thank you, Jesus. You make beautiful things.




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