Journal #58

February 25th, 2016

Wow, it’s been a little while since I’ve written in here! Tuesday, my second taper day thus far, went really well. I started off my morning walking to Safeway to pick up my prescription, and it was absolutely beautiful outside. There was quite a bit of wind, though…I tried to take the dogs, and they looked as if they were going to blow away! Rocky’s typically a wimp when it comes to walks, but Winky loves them. So when HE looked petrified, I figured I’d better not force it, and brought them both back inside. After my walk, I had my breakfast, and showered and got ready to head out for my appointment with my new outpatient therapist! I LOVED her! I’m super thankful for that, because if we didn’t click super well, I’d probably want to go check out some other therapists, which is just kind of a pain since I only have so many days off that I’m not in the program. I don’t want to use them all just doing MORE therapy! Anyway, after we had out appointment, I drove over to the Oregon Humane Society. Not because I was looking for a new pet (though, I would love a big doggy I could take back to Corvallis with me, since my puppies at home definitely help with my anxiety!), but just for something to do. It was a good distraction and way  to not be just at home, tempted to engage in E.D. behaviors or slip into what I call “Depression Mode”, but also pretty sad. I don’t like going and looking at all the doggies that don’t have homes when I’m not able to give them one! Post-Humane Society, I went to New Seasons and picked up my lunch, and brought it home to eat. I was actually hungry by that point (Success! Hunger cues are coming back!) and not even tempted to restrict! Another victory! After I finished my lunch, I took an hour-long nap on the couch with the pups. I was really hesitant to do that, because of fear of waking up with no one else home, and feeling depressed, and subsequently laying on the couch for the rest of the day. But, I was tired. So I decided to set my alarm on my phone for 60 minutes, and told myself that when that alarm went off, I was going to get up, put on some makeup, take my book, and go downtown to read at a coffee shop. And I did! It was wonderful. The nap was great and made me feel much more rested, and my time down in The Pearl was great, too. After reading for about an hour and a half, Mama called me and said she was home, so I packed up my stuff and drove back home. We had hamburgers together, and talked about our days, and then I went to the Sunset Girls Basketball game. Before I did that, though, I had to change my shirt (Mom thought mine was too low cut-the reality of being a college student living at home with your mother…). Changing clothes, right after a full day of eating, especially right after eating a challenge meal for dinner….not the best idea if you’re struggling with body image. I could’ve sworn I’d gained five pounds just during that day! I made myself suck it up though, and put on a sweatshirt and headed out anyway. Some family friends of ours, who I love but haven’t been able to spend much time with recently, had texted me the week prior and asked if I’d have any interest in going to the game, because they were thinking about going. Honestly, the idea of going to that game elevated my anxiety to about an 8 out of 10…the people I would see, many of which I haven’t spoken to since I’ve been in treatment, and may not know I’m in treatment and wonder why I’m in Portland when I’m supposed to be at Oregon State. But, I decided to go, And now, I’m so glad I did. It was a girls game, and on a Tuesday…two factors working in my favor to decrease the number of fans that would be there. I saw a few people that I knew, but none who didn’t already know I was in treatment, and I felt like it was a great way to slowly start integrating myself back into social situations that I’m not quite comfortable with. I also got to sit with two friends from high school who go to college locally, and whom I haven’t seen in a long time, so that was nice as well.  My anxiety started building on the way home, when I realized that, I’d already gained five pounds (according to my mental scale, which I’ve learned is never accurate, but still seems very real to me) during this day, and still had to have my evening snack. And, it was a large evening snack at that. A full cup of granola, a yogurt, and a cup of fruit…for sure my weight would DOUBLE if I had this as well!!! I knew I had to eat my snack, in order to stay “on track” with recovery. There was only one thing to do. Run.  I’d conveniently worn athletic wear to the game, and found a pair of headphones in my glove compartment. Once I pulled in the driveway, I stuck my headphones into the jack on my phone, opened up the car door and…realized what I was doing. I realized that I’d be back at treatment in twelve hours, and we’d do our check-in sheets, and I’d have to say “Yes”, that I’d exercised. And that would delay my moving towards Level C. And it would potentially delay my ability to have a Taper Day on Friday. And if my weight really had shot up, they’d decrease my exchanges to bring it back down. So, I took a deep breath, prayed and asked Jesus to PLEASE give me peace that would surpass ALL understanding in the moment, and walked inside. I did successfully have 100% of my snack, and then crashed in bed, exhausted from my very successful day.

Wednesday (yesterday), unfortunately, wasn’t quite as hot. I woke up with absolutely terrible body image, convinced that my evening snack really had added on at least another five pounds to my already uncomfortably large body. Thankfully, we have breakfast at the program on Wednesday mornings, so I didn’t have the lack of accountability at home that would’ve made it very easy to restrict. I certainly would’ve been tempted. I got my weights and vitals taken, and, apparently, somehow, my weight was still the same. Actually, it had increased-but only by 0.2 pounds, and according to the professionals, that’s not a weight difference I would be able to feel anyway, and was likely just water weight. My body image continued to be pretty sucky throughout the day though, and I was very thankful when the afternoon was finished and I could just go home. It was a beautiful evening though, and the sun hadn’t quite set, so I decided to drive up to Pittock Mansion and read Decoding Anorexia for a bit. The sunset was beautiful. I drove home, and was faced with another hard meal for dinner. Pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese, Bread with butter, and Tilapia. Mom knew I’d had a hard day, so she was extra-supportive and suggested we watch a movie, which was just what I needed. We watched a comedy with Eddie Murphy, which was really nice and totally distracted me, at least until I had to have my evening snack :P. The Beavs had a huge game against Washington that started at 8 o’clock, and since we don’t have the Pac-12 Network,  I paused the movie every twenty or so minutes to check the score. I was in bed by the time the game finished, and it was another clutch finish by, once again, my boy Stevie. We came back and won by one point in the last three seconds, and it was another hard and emotional night to fall asleep, at home, in my bed, all alone, in Portland. All I wanted in that moment was to be back in Corvallis.

I woke up this morning, my THIRD taper day, to the sun shining, the birds singing, and my dogs cuddling up against me. Mom decided to take the day off from work, as she hasn’t done that ONCE this year (I don’t think) and has been feeling a little sick lately. I really wanted to have the experience of having a taper day for all it’s meant to be, though, trying to do things by myself and without the constant accountability of having support for every meal, so I’m kind of on my own today. So far, it’s been great. I went on an awesome walk (which was actually a little longer than I thought it was supposed to be, so I only have about 20 minutes left for the week) with Worship music playing through my headphones, and came back and had breakfast. After that, I showered and ran something by the post office for mom, got my tires pumped, and drove down to one of my favorite coffee houses in Portland. Now, I’m sitting outside, drinking my Chamomile tea, and blogging. Oh, what a glorious day.



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