Journal #77

March 28th, 2016

Happy (belated) Easter! He is risen!

Here I am sitting at (yes, I know) Starbucks, on a Monday morning. Today’s a little different, though. I came to work on my HOMEWORK! WOOHOO! It feels like so long since I’ve said those words. Last night, as I was sitting on the couch with my mom and my laptop, I got an email notification that my class syllabus had been posted online. I’ve never felt so excited about being able to read about my upcoming assignments as I did in that moment! As I ran around the house, trying to find a notebook and pen, as well as my laptop charger, it really hit me. I’m returning to college this week. I’m a student again! My mom started to get really emotional when she looked over and saw me reading a power point and taking notes. It was so NORMAL. And it felt so, so good. She even took a picture of me that I didn’t like AT ALL, and posted it on Facebook (without asking me! :)), but I didn’t care. I was just so gosh darn happy.

I know I haven’t blogged the past few days, and I don’t really want to recap EVERY little thing that happened, but I’ll hit the major stuff. Thursday, I returned to the program, but with a small request. I wanted the next day off. Brad and I had had such a good time at the mountain on Tuesday, we wanted to go up again, and with Friday being the last day of his spring break, it seemed like a good day to try and make it work. So, I asked. And they said, “Yes.”!! Hallelujah. That made me ridiculously happy, and on Friday morning, Brad and I headed up to the mountain, by ourselves this time, with two snowboards and a sack lunch in the back. It was SO, so much fun (and Brad is an awesome teacher!) learning to snowboard, and by the time we came off the mountain, I was exhausted. That evening was spent having dinner at a very close friend, Nia’s, house, with my family and hers, and then we proceeded to another one of those Paint Nights I talked about a couple weeks back. The painting part was really fun, as was spending time with the people I love, but the eating was pretty challenging. Actually, I take that back. The eating what I ate part wasn’t that bad. I think it went as well as it could’ve. It was the preparation of the food that was challenging. It was my first time (well, second, if you count a bowl of soup on Super Bowl Sunday) eating outside of my own home, or at the hospital, and not being able to weigh out the amount of chicken I needed was very, very hard. In addition, the bread that my mom brought had a little bit of cheese on the top, and while now, I’m able to recognize that it was hardly any, it really scared me. Nevertheless, I ate the amount I portioned out for myself, but it may have been a little under my exchanges. Mom pointed that out to me before I sat down, that she didn’t think it was enough, but I glared at her and told her it was what I was having. I was also supposed to have butter on the bread, and didn’t. While I’m frustrated that in that moment, I didn’t just say, “Okay”, to my Mom’s request to put a little bit more chicken, dressing, and add butter to the bread on my plate, I do think it went pretty well, given it being my first real dinner out of the house. Everyone else had cake to celebrate Nia’s 21st birthday, and I did not. My GOAL, is to eventually be able to join them in that, as well as with the meal.

Saturday morning was a rough one. I went from feeling “Okay” to “Awful” pretty darn quickly, and per usual, took it out on my mom. I hate that that happens so much more than I can put into words. It’s so not fair to her, especially when she’s my biggest, and most unconditional support I could possibly ask for. I essentially shut down on her, but the good news was, we were headed to my therapy appointment! And this time, Mama was coming in, too.

The session went very, VERY well, and was filled with multiple emotions. I’m so glad my mom was there, too, as we left in such a better place, together. That evening, we went to Easter church service (Yes, on Saturday) with one of my really close friends from treatment. It was a wonderful service, and even better to share the experience with someone new, along with my family. Afterwards, she and my mom and I went out to Starbucks and had great conversation. It was hard to end it when we did, but she and I both had to get home to have our dinners; it was almost 8 o’clock!

Sunday, Easter morning, was great as well. Mom and I went to church and volunteered as Greeters before the 9:30 service, and then went home to change out of our nice clothes and into some stuff more suitable for the rest of our afternoon. Brad met us at 10:30, and we headed out for a hike! It was really fun (we were blessed with such nice weather), and diminished my anxiety about our upcoming brunch a little bit. The brunch ended up being significantly better than I was expecting. Not in taste (the food had been fantastic the year before as well), but mentally. I was okay. I had the amount of exchanged I’d allotted, and I was able to find food that worked for that. My omelette was cooked in oil, as were the things that were sautéed and added to it, and there was cheese in it, and I’m OKAY. The world didn’t end. My body didn’t double in size as a result. In fact, I don’t think I gained any weight at all. That was a really cool experience.

The rest of the evening was relaxing. After a slight detour as a result of our driver (Ahem…Bradley) not using directions to get us home, we arrived home about an hour and a half later than planned, but with good conversation, music and laughter. I had the rest of my meal plan, worked on some stuff for school, and went to sleep. And now today is a Monday. A new week, a new start, and a fresh beginning. I can even hear the birds chirping 🙂

Thank you, Jesus.



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