Judging by the fact that you’re reading this right now, you’re probably aware that I switched my blog over to a new site! It’s been a goal of mine recently to transition my blog into less of a “journal entry” posting style into more of a lifestyle blog. It will definitely still be focusing on my recovery, since that’s where I’m at in my life right now, but hopefully less focused on living with an eating disorder and more living like Christ, while moving forward with my recovery.
Our pastor gave an awesome sermon today on the story of David and Goliath. He talked about how, even though the popular morals from the story are, “We can do all things with Jesus”, or “Never, ever, ever give up”, or “The bigger the enemy, the harder they fall”, the real point of it was that David had unshakeable faith. His unshakeable faith wasn’t because he believed his earthly self was capable-but because of his faith that God was capable. Since God had overcome and was within him, David could, in fact, do everything.
Never for a moment did David consider that he was going up against an unstoppable force. He didn’t tremble with fear, he didn’t ask if they could delay the battle for a day so he could “rest up”, he didn’t seek out the greatest protective armor so that he’d be shielded the best he could. He trusted Jesus.
This disorder feels a lot like how I envision Goliath. This past week has been no exception to the many others that have preceded it. It was hard. I did what I needed to “check off all the boxes”, so to speak, but I didn’t feel very victorious. I was also relying on my own strength and hardly depending upon Jesus at all.
This is a hard thing to accept sometimes. It would make me feel a whole lot better to write that all my faith was in The Lord, that whenever a destructive thought came into my head I countered it with a healthy truth or prayed in response, or that I didn’t revert to my own sources of comfort to alleviate my anxiety.
But that wouldn’t be the truth. I thought about giving up a lot, and though neither Tuesday or Thursday were “awful” days, I couldn’t see much of a light at the end of the tunnel.
I was filled with a renewed sense of strength at church this morning. Church at which, they served Communion, which ironically, was what caused my first ever panic attack when I was 15. My most recent one was two days ago, and I hadn’t had one in between. Seeing the crackers and the cups of juice when I walked into the congregation didn’t cause AS much anxiety as they had four years ago, but I was pretty on-edge. In fact, I was planning on just staying seated when we were dismissed to the tables and abstaining from receiving Jesus’ body and blood.
The sermon that Pastor Ryan spoke felt directed at me, though, and when the time came for us to go to the tables, I went. I went, and I took a cracker and a cup of juice, and I took them with remembrance. I continued to move forward, just as I continue to do each day, with Jesus at the forefront of it.
I will continue, to try and live like David. Because, as Pastor Ryan put it, my eating disorder may seem insurmountable, it may seem like an absolutely IMPOSSIBLE being to overtake at times, just like an average response would be to facing Goliath. But because I have Jesus on my side, it’s totally possible to over come it.
Next to Jesus, Goliath looked tiny.
And next to Jesus, so does the eating disorder.