Journal #89

I know that I said I don’t want the entirety of this blog to be eating disorder focused, and I maintain that. However, that is where I’m at in my life right now, so sometimes, it’s going to be the most pressing thing on my mind, as it is today.

Coming off of what I’d previous mentioned was a pretty hard week, I’m thankful that today has felt like a breath of fresh air. Mom and I went out to breakfast yesterday morning after church, which was my first time eating breakfast out. As I’m sure you can imagine, it provoked a ton of anxiety, which was relatively kept at bay following the great sermon we heard before. We went to Insomnia, a coffee shop that I’ve always liked, but have never purchased anything but an Americano from.

The latte and muffin from Insomnia

And what do you know? Their lattes are even BETTER than the plain espresso! I enjoyed (yes, enjoyed!) a lemon poppyseed muffin that had been baked in their kitchen, along with a latte. On Wednesday (three days prior), I had my first latte that was not from Starbucks (who has all of their nutritional info posted online), with my friend Nia at a shop downtown. That was a major hurdle to overcome-the drinking of the latte whose calorie content was unbeknownst to me. I did it, though, and somehow, the drinking of it did NOT cause anything radical to happen, so I went for it again on Sunday. And it was good! The muffin was by far the greatest challenge I’ve had this far, though. I initially opted for a bagel with cream cheese, which still would have been a challenge, but I could’ve more easily been confident with my estimation of the calories. The muffin, however, looked equally if not more appealing, and I can count on one hand the number of muffins I’ve had in the last five years. So, I trusted my gut (and my mom) and went with that. It was yummy 🙂 And, I didn’t have to cram a bunch of exchanges in throughout the rest of the day like I normally do! Talk about a win-win situation 🙂

Another small victory I can claim is my continued diligence to following the guidelines my treatment team and I have in place for my relationship with exercise. I still have yet to enter the cardio room at SAC. It’s now been five months. I think I skip over calling that a “victory” a lot, thinking that I don’t go in there because “I’m not allowed to.” But the truth is, if I make the decision to go in there, there’s nothing stopping me. I’m exercising (pun intended ;)) a great deal of self-discipline by walking PAST that room each time I enter the gym.

In addition, I’ve had quite a few interactions with people at SAC that I would have by no means allowed when I was in my disorder. The gym was for exercise, and that was all. I got into a zone when I walked through those doors. Conversation was strictly forbidden, and that hint was subtly (or not so subtly) dropped to anyone who tried to initiate one. I avoided eye contact with any and everyone I knew in order to discourage, God forbid, anyone speaking to me and requiring me to use any of the little energy I had on conversing, as opposed to the exercising I “needed” to be doing. I ran into a family I used to babysit for while at SAC last night, and allowed myself to step away from my workout and enjoy what ended up being a rather long conversation catching up with one another’s lives. This wasn’t the first time I’d spoken with someone at the gym since being in recovery, but it was the longest conversation I’d had yet, so it stood out to me as a noticeable difference as to where I am mentally and emotionally. Does this mean I want to have a full-blown conversation every time I’m at the gym? For time’s sake, definitely not. But it does mean that I’m not going to put up a wall in order to shield myself from others, just to satisfy my E.D.’s desire to exercise without any disruptions.

Small victories.



3 thoughts on “Journal #89

  1. Congratulations on your strength (all varieties) at the gym! I know how difficult that can be. Especially since you pretty much have to pass the cardio room at SAC to get to the track stretching/weight area (if you ever go in there). I teach Zumba there, so I know the temptations. Perhaps I’ll run into you sometime! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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