Sitting in The Nursing Home, I grow more frustrated by the minute. The Nursing Home, the nickname given to Lindsay’s house in Corvallis — a reference to her and her roommate’s lifestyle that involves NOT going to parties too often– has become my home for the evening, the first night I’m spending in Corvallis since December.
While many things feel different, a lot feels the same, too.
Memories that I wish would just go away have not, and staying on campus for longer than the five hours I normally spend — much of which is in class — is only bringing them to light more.
My frustration’s building as I sit at the table, trying to focus enough to work on my paper for history, but instead panicking about my appointment with my dietician tomorrow.
I KNOW I’m moving forward. Really, I do. I believe that wholeheartedly, maybe even more than my support people and treatment team would articulate. Still, it’s so frustrating to know I have this little bit of the eating disorder that I’m not surrendering. It’s like there’s this little remaining 1% that could make all the difference, mentally. I know I need to give it up, but I just can’t seem to do it.
I had a very rough time sleeping last night, due to a migraine that I think was onset by not having coffee until 4 p.m. Whoops…Guess I’ve got a bit of a caffeine addiction going there. I finally fell asleep around 3:30. My original plan of getting up @ 5:30 to work out was seeming less and less like a good idea, and more and more like a driving hazard. I fought the urge to go to the gym, knowing good and well that it was 90% my eating disorder talking (10% of me probably really did want to go to the gym), and that my body would be better off getting another hour of rest. It’s times like these that I’m so thankful for the vow I made to abstain from cardio for one year. I am certain that if this workout would have been the difference between me missing a planned 45-minute elliptical session, absolutely nothing could’ve kept me away from the gym and getting those calories burned. But because I’m only doing strengthening, I’m able to cope with this change of plans (and additional day off of exercise) a little bit better. I know that my daily workouts aren’t burning 300+ calories a day, and that’s okay with me. I’m learning how to listen to my body, and until I get that down, this is all my body needs.
A lot has happened in the past week or so that I haven’t shared on here yet. Largely because I haven’t taken the time, but also because nothing has really been finalized yet, and I don’t like the idea of publicly announcing something that’s not all figured out. The wonderful reality of my blog being shared with so many people — anything I say is somewhat of a public announcement! More will come in that regard later.
In a brief bullet summary, though…
- I had my first sleepover in over a year on Saturday night. It was the most normal and fun night I’ve had since I can’t remember when.
- I’m spending the night in Corvallis tonight for the first time EVER, healthy. This will be my first time EVER eating lunch, dinner, and breakfast here, consecutively.
- I get to go stay with Carolyn in Columbus, Ohio for Memorial Day weekend (T-3 Days!!), and it will be my first solo-weekend trip in recovery. Without my mother. I’ve got high hopes!
- Bradley and I are going to Macklemore on Thursday night. That’s not relevant, I’m just really excited about it 🙂
- My high school best friend, Lea, returns from studying abroad in South Africa on Sunday night, 30 minutes before I land, actually. We’re both STOKED to see each other at the airport for the first time in five months.
- I’m actively pursuing the possibility of transferring schools this fall to begin nursing school. Nothing (I repeat, NOTHING) has been finalized.
- I have an interview for what is basically my dream job, in Corvallis, beginning this summer, on Thursday. Obviously, I would have to stay in Corvallis for this job to pan out. Hence, “Nothing (I repeat, NOTHING) has been finalized.”
So yes, lots of exciting things are in the works!
**Pause while Lindsay and I head out for a bit**
Lindsay and I just returned from a refreshing four-mile walk. It followed dinner at Chipotle which was…not as refreshing! It was nice having the company of Lin and Tara for dinner though, and as my mom always reminds me, the purpose of the meal is to NOURISH my body! Whether I’m eating a kale salad with grilled prawns, or fried chicken with ranch — it’s nourishment all the same.
Anyway, our walk was great. I am continually so in awe of our Creator, and there’s nothing to remind me of that more than walking the beautiful backroads of Corvallis as the sun sinks deeper into the sky, passing by pastures with cows and llamas, hearing birds chirp overhead, all while talking to an incredible friend who I can be real with, and trust to always push me closer to Jesus. I’m reflecting now, as I’m writing this, on how important relationships are to recovery. Pastor Ryan gave (another) great sermon on Sunday, this time about friendship. He used David and Jonathan as the prime example, noting how Jonathan always pointed David to his heavenly Father as opposed to the desires of his flesh.
It’s friends like Lindsay — and my friend Nia, who I had Saturday’s sleepover with — that I know are so vital to my recovery. It’s friends like these who help me continue to travel in the direction I want to go.
I’m going to close with one of my all time favorite verses:
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” -Proverbs 27:17