Sitting here in the Chicago O’Hare International Airport, I’m FINALLY at what seems to be the correct gate — it’s changed a total of four times since I got my boarding pass onto my phone this morning, and am taking the final few minutes before boarding to calm some nerves. When I get off this plane, I’ll be greeted by Carolyn.
This girl, who I connected on SUCH an intimate level with, will once again be (physically) present in my life. Yes, we’ve stayed in touch via our phones — texting, calling, FaceTiming, SnapChatting, and the like, but there’s a big difference between VIRTUALLY connecting with someone, and physically being able to feel their embrace. The last time I was with Carolyn, I was in what’s known in the eating disorder community as “Quasi-Recovery.” Outwardly, I appeared as if recovery was what I wanted, but inwardly, it wasn’t. I was still cheating the system every chance I got. Now, I’m in (what’s known as) “Realcovery,” meaning that I’m actually doing the things I need to do for my recovery, even without supervision. There’s a difference of internal motivation. Realcovery doesn’t mean it’s easy for me yet, but it means I’m doing it anyway.
As I enter into this weekend, my mind’s flooded with thoughts. My eating disorder is telling me that Carolyn won’t like me anymore, that she’ll think I’m fat, that we only connected because we were sick… All of which I know are lies, but still, they provoke anxiety. I’m trusting in Jesus that our friendship — which really, is rooted in our love for Christ, and just happened to begin when we crossed path getting treatment for our E.D.s is still there, and that if anything, being healthy will make it stronger than ever.
I know I’m going to be very tempted this weekend. Tempted to restrict, tempted to compare, tempted to cheat the system. It’s going to be a constant effort to do what I need to do, as opposed to what my head wants to do. But I’m hoping that Carolyn and my commitment to each other, and to each others’ recovery, will be stronger than any eating disorder voice that may present itself.
Oh, also, I probably should mention why this post is titled Whole Milk. I ordered a nonfat vanilla latte at Starbucks and they ACCIDENTALLY MADE IT WITH WHOLE MILK! And I’m drinking it anyway.
Okay, my flight’s boarding!!