If it’s not obvious by the title, this week has been crazy, to say the least! I was planning on driving down to Corvallis last Sunday night, but my mom ended up getting back from a weekend trip later than expected, so I decided to stay the night and head out early the next morning instead. Monday morning, I awoke with a TON of anxiety, which I couldn’t even pinpoint the cause of. I mean, yes – okay, I was moving out. Anxiety doesn’t seem too abnormal a response in that regard. But I was moving into a house I’ve gotten comfortable in already, with a group of girls that I absolutely LOVE, and I’d be coming home five days later for a therapy appointment! It was by no means a “goodbye.” Yet saying goodbye to my mom (and my dogs) was really, really hard. I think more than anything, what scared me the most was the fear of this return to school going just as the previous two have. Both times I’ve “moved out,” both my freshman and my sophomore year, eating disorder behavior immediately followed. I didn’t want this time around to go the same as they had before. I also knew I was about to encounter a ton of things that would trigger past memories and experiences, and I was a little worried about how I’d react.
As if the stress of that wasn’t enough, Monday also brought with it the first day of the academic term, and my first appointment with my new dietician. My class happens to be in the exact classroom I had economics in fall term of last year, which caught me off guard initially and triggered some stuff, but I worked through it and just tried to pay attention to what my professor was teaching. I have a friend in that class, too, which helped 🙂
After class came my dietician appointment. Praise Jesus, I like her. That’s not too common to hear from an eating disorder patient when it comes to a dietician. I do like her though, and I thought the appointment was great, and she’s close by and takes our insurance, so everything’s great in that department. Which is SUCH A BLESSING.
Once my appointment was over, it was time to go grocery shopping. Oh boy, another one of my favorite things (*insert eye roll here*). I called my mom and talked to her while I shopped, bought everything off of the list I’d made at home, and that was that! It wasn’t too bad at all. I spent the next few hours at home unloading my car and working on homework (after I ate lunch, of course), and then when Claire got home, we went to Dixon. I asked her to go with me, and I’m really glad I did. Just walking in those doors made my heart start pounding and my stomach feel like it was in my throat. But thirty minutes later, I’d finished my first workout at Dixon, no cardio (or eating disorder behavior for that matter) done! Claire and I walked and talked as we headed back home, and it was really nice to have her there just to process everything with. Having her as both a friend and a support person is already turning out to be so much more awesome than I could ever have imagined. Tuesday morning, she even asked me what I had for breakfast! It totally caught me off guard, and I was glad! I had eaten, but it had definitely crossed my mind that it would probably go unnoticed if I just skipped it, and as soon as she asked that, I felt so good being able to tell her, honestly, what I’d eaten. The past two mornings, we’ve had breakfast at the table together while reading the Bible and working on homework.
Tuesday was also my first day of work, and my car died! I won’t bore you with the details, but my afternoon was filled with waiting around for Triple A, then waiting for them to figure out what was wrong with my car, then waiting while they replaced the battery that apparently needed replacing, then paying a lovely chunk of money for the new battery, and THEN running home to eat really quickly before I had to get to work!! It was so stressful but also really good practice for real life. I know that I won’t ALWAYS have an hour to eat lunch, or the perfect meal, or be able to fit in my workout, and I’m going to have to deal with that. That’s just life!
My job rocks. That’s all I’m going to say about it, but I’m SO SO SO happy I’m where I am right now. Both in my house and school and work. For something that I was having a hard time making a decision about just four weeks ago, it’s crazy how seamlessly and perfectly it’s all come together.
I got a visit from Lea and Nia last night. They drove down from Portland to go out to dinner, and it was awesome. It’s amazing the transformation that’s taken place, just in me, over the last six months. The last time I was at school, I NEVER wanted friends (or family, even) to come visit. I didn’t want to be forced to stray from my routine, nor did I want them to see the way I was living. But last night, I was so happy when the two of them got here! I was excited to show them around, introduce them to the other girls, and talk about how things are really going. I was able to be proud, and vulnerable at the same time. Six months ago, I was closed off to anything that got a little too personal. Last night, I was open and honest, and also fully engaged in all aspects of the conversation. It felt SO GOOD.
This morning, my car broke down again. I’m not sure what’s wrong with it, and I had to have Triple A come tow it to a dealership, which resulted in me missing class. I’m not too happy about either of those things, but it’s alright. That’s life. I’m thankful to be where I am, with who I’m with, and to have a Jesus who’s walking by my side, always.