Journal #93

Hello, me again! This is really hard!

It’s hard to make yourself do the opposite of what your brain’s wired for. I know it’s right, and I knew it would be hard, but I woke up to the reality of it! I saw my thighs jiggle this morning when I was putting on some shorts.

I know. How self-obsessed, trivial, worldly, and egotistical do I sound when I say that? And to be honest, I hate even writing those words on this page. It definitely crossed my mind to skip that part. I hate admitting that that’s a thought that is so deeply engrained into my head, that a “little” thing like that bothers me so much, that that’s who I am, but I’ve made a commitment to be honest about living with an eating disorder on this blog, so I’m going to be transparent. Additionally, I’m reminding myself that that’s not who am. That’s the eating disorder. Not Bridgette, not God’s fearfully and wonderfully made creation.

Anyway, it’s rare that (in the moment) of having bad E.D. thoughts I’m able to pull myself out of them and counter it with a healthy truth, but it happened this morning, so I just HAD to share! Back to where I started. My jiggling thighs.

I saw it, and immediately cringed, and then did the same movement in front of the mirror again to see if what I really thought was happening, was. Sure enough, they did it again. Yes, this is a form of body checking for those of you wondering.

Right after my initial cringe though, the first thought that came to my head was, “You have enough body fat for your thighs to jiggle, but not enough for your body to have a period. So obviously, it’s not as much fat as a woman needs!”

That was actually SO helpful, and I was so proud of myself for going there instead of deeper into the E.D.’s twisted thoughts! Normally I would go down the rabbit trail of, “So, that means skipping lunch”, or “Guess you’ll be doubling up at the gym today”, or “Don’t plan on drinking that extra bottle of water. You can’t afford to put anything else in that body of yours right now!”

But I didn’t. My body’s not where it needs to be, and jiggling thighs or not, I need to keep doing what I need to do until I get my period back.

So, yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. It’s hard, but it’s good, too. It’s good walking in truth and honesty. It’s good having the roommates that I’m so fortunate to have and who care about me so much. It’s good being able to listen to a wonderful sermon at the gym while I’m lifting, and to be able to fully focus and meditate on the words that I’m hearing, instead of being so concerned with reaching the number on the elliptical that I want to that the message is being drowned out by my own thoughts. It’s good pulling my hair back and feeling the continually increasing thickness of it, instead of waking up to a pile of it on my pillow.

As hard as it is to see my thighs jiggle, I’m just going to learn to live with it. No one wants to sit on a grandma’s lap who’s got bony thighs, anyway. I want to be the comfy grandma!

 

🙂 Laughing (and praying I do well on this midterm I’m about to go take),

Bridge

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