Well, I don’t have anything big to report this time…and I’m thankful for that! My weight’s held steady, all of my other bodily functions have continued to occur like clockwork as they should, and I’m happy. My final Fall term of my undergraduate career is wrapping up, and BOY, I can’t believe how fast it’s gone. All of you who haven’t gone through college…It’s true that it FLIES by! I was asked the other day if I’m ready to be done with college (though I am still planning on going to nursing school), and my answer was a very firm “No”! I’m having an absolute blast this year. I’m loving where I’m living and the friends I’m living with, I’m loving my classes (for the most part!) and finding microbiology much more interesting than I thought I would, I love my job managing the gymnastics team, and overall, I’m really just loving life. Do I still have days where I feel off? Yeah, of course. But I’m no longer consumed by something that casts down so heavily on my soul. The sky being gray and gloomy outside doesn’t cause me to sink further into depression, my jeans being a little more snug than they were the day before doesn’t cause a panic attack, and a restaurant being out of the meal I was planning on having is just a reason to try something new. Thanksgiving normally brings with it a ton of stress, drama, and anxiety. This year though, for the first time in as long as I can remember, that wasn’t the case. My brother and I joined our dad, stepmom and stepsister on a trip to spend five days with my dad’s parents in California, and while there were plenty of uncertainties and events that could’ve triggered a plethora of adverse responses, they didn’t. I counted the other day, and I think I ate out 12 days in a row until I returned back to school yesterday. Is that ideal? No. But did I handle it? Yes. It was just the circumstances that arose over those couple of weeks, and I made it work. Now, I can (hopefully!) get back into my routine, but I feel like it’s situations like that that cause me to gain more confidence in myself and trust in my body. I made healthy choices for the most part during those 12 meals out, but I also went with the flow. I went for walks in the morning (and a short run, twice) during our trip, but I didn’t go out of the way to find a place I could go lift, or go buy a guest pass to a fitness studio for a week like I would’ve done in the past. I recognized that it was just five days of vacation, and while I really missed getting a good workout in, it didn’t harm my body. My clothes still fit, and I’m still me! If anything, the break helped me to come back stronger. While I didn’t feel particularly powerful in the gym today, I did certainly feel ready to get back into it, and was more pumped for my lift than I’ve been in a while!
I just realized that I don’t think I’ve posted on here that I had to have a third surgery (all within 10 months) on my wrists a little over two weeks ago. This was my second on my left hand/wrist, the other (third) being on my right one last December. This was another reason for me eating so many meals out: It’s a lot easier to purchase and eat a meal than it is to cook it when you only have one hand! Anyway, because of that, I also haven’t really been able to get in a “good” workout for a while. I didn’t do any cardio from the day I had surgery (November 9th) until I went for the two runs I just mentioned while in California, and when I say they were short, I mean short (we’re talking 15-20 minutes). I can’t lift any weights with my upper body until at least 8 weeks post-op, so my return to the gym today was solely leg focused. I’m pretty bummed about the muscle I know I’m going to lose in my upper body (I’d actually been making a lot of progress the last few months), but I’m also just that: bummed. I’m not devastated, or distraught, or in a wave of panic. I’m bummed, and that’s okay. I know that I can get it back, and I love my body for possessing the strength to get it back once it’s healthy again.
I’m so, so thankful to be in the headspace that I’m in, and I celebrated this Thanksgiving thinking of how thankful I am to have made the progress in my recovery that I have this past year. I am continually so thankful for everyone who has helped me to get to this place that I’m in, namely my family, treatment team, and close friends. I have more to be thankful for than I can even comprehend.
Here’s a belated “Happy Thanksgiving” greeting from me!
It sure is fun to read a blog like this! Love you, honey.
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Love you, Mama!
i am so grateful to have found your blog. i am in recovery from anorexia as well, and my gosh your words are like a breath of fresh air. i can feel your hope with every ounce of my being. never stop fighting, dear. you are worthy of light, and life, and health, and freedom. 💙💙 thank you for being. and i am so honored to follow your journey (as of riiiight now!).